F.A.Q.s

Are you serious?  (Well, YES…but we like to have fun!)

We realize that some customers might find some of what follows unsettling.  The real answers to the questions ARE included here but may be a little obscured by all the craziness.  Rest assured that we mean you no harm and only want to serve the best we can.  Our writer got a little weird here but we thought it would be fun to share his zany responses.  If you don’t find the answers you were really looking for or still have any concerns…please feel free to contact us and we’ll do everything possible to make sure your question gets answered…courteously.  In the meantime we hope you have as much fun reading through these as our writer did creating them.


How will my order be packaged?

If you would like we can put it in a paper bag and shoot it out of a canon to you.  Of course you’ll have to give us exact coordinates so that we can be sure we’re not shooting at your neighbors.  Otherwise we’ll ship it just like everybody else in whole wide world and put it in a BOX or PADDED ENVELOPE with your address on it and send it off.  And just in case you’re some kind of paranoid freak, we make sure it’s a plain box or envelope with no pictures or labels except your address.  Although your shipping invoice may be in a little plastic pouch on the outside of the box.  Please don’t do anything stupid like ship to a friend’s house (unless it’s a gift of course).  Odds are they’ll act like it never came or the wrong person will open it and freak out.  We realize that nothing’s as much fun as shipping a giant dildo shaped water bong, bubbler or hammer to your elderly church going Auntie.  But remember, you have to be there to see her response when she opens it.  Now if you’re done with your silly questions….then quit screwing around get back to the order page.


Where do you ship?

You’re still here?!?  Are you ‘mentally special’ or what?  We ship to YOU!  We ship to your freakin’ friends!  We ship to whoever places the freakin’ order as long they give us a valid shipping address!  Anywhere on this planet that the usual shipping carriers deliver to… we ship to.  But listen up!  We will not be responsible for your ignorance of the law where you live.  If there are laws where you live that says you can’t buy our stuff, then you better know about those laws and it’s up to you to follow them.  If you choose to do differently, it’s not our problem and we will NOT visit you in jail or loan you the money for bail or legal defense.  Once again, quit screwing around get back to the order page!


How long will it take for me to receive my order?

Is there no end to your whimpering questions?  It will take as long as the shipping carrier USUALY takes.  If you’re in such a big freaking hurry then go down to your local head shop and get some of their overpriced crap that came from who knows where.  Or Oh!  Here’s an idea.  Pick up that filthy pop can you been sucking on and put a dent in one side and then punch a bunch a little holes in it with a needle or something….NOT!  Or make yourself a corncob pipe but be careful because needles and knives are sharp and you probably shouldn’t be using anything more dangerous than crayons.  But if you DO decide to try this, don’t come whining to us when you get aluminum oxide poisoning or your smoke tastes like a chewing gum wrapper out of the gutter.  And we don’t want to hear your war stories about how you poked or cut yourself either.  So please just stick with your crayons and you’ll get your order from us in seven to ten business days just like everyfreakingbody else.  Of course, if you’re rich and you want to fly in and pick it up in your Learjet THEN YOU WOULDN’T BE ASKING THIS


How do I know that you are a real company and not just some website set up to just take my money?

Haach!  Haach!  You make me feel like I gotta hock up a hairball or something!!  What kind of paranoid freaking question is that!?  If you’re THAT freaked out, then you need to join paranoids anonymous or something.  Of course THOSE freaks are afraid to tell anybody where they meet.  So here’s what we suggest YOU do.  Get in your classic 1973 AMC Pacer that you converted to a stretch limo for pimpin’ and drive around till you see people peeking out their curtains.  Chances are you’ve found some soul mates that are just as freaked out as YOU.  Good luck getting in the door though because as soon as you spot them and hit the brakes, the lights will probably go out in the house!!  Of course we’re a REAL company you ozone head!  How else do you think we can run this website?  If we were ripping people off there’d be warnings all over the web about us!  Not to mention a bunch of tin badges banging down on our operation.  Now go back to the order page and STOP WASTING OUR TIME!!


Why does the glass product that I ordered not look exactly like what was pictured?

What!?!  Look I barely survived the hairball episode from the last question!!  Are you trying to give me a coronary or something?!  Just how in the hell do you expect US to know what YOU had pictured in your tiny little brain?  Or maybe the reason is that you need to see an EYE DOCTOR!  We’re merchants, not freakin’ psychics or optometrists.  If you want to waste your money on the psychic hotline you’re not even close to being in the right place.  NOW, for the last damned time….the products here are individually hand crafted, AS IN one at time, AS IN not on a production line, AS IN by artists so each piece is a ONE of a KIND.  The item you order from us will look a lot more like the pictures we show on our website than the burgers on the picture menu at the fast food where your friend works that sneaks you free fries in exchange for bong hits.  So get over yourself, go back to the order page and quit wasting our freaking time!! 


What if my order arrives broken?

Oh and what if your aunt had testicles?  Then she’d be your UNCLE.  What if you stopped your whining and just order already?  I don’t know why I keep trying to pacify you by even answering these bone head, paranoia induced questions.  I’m not your therapist for crying out loud.  But here we go.  If your order arrives broken you can always just cry about it.  Then you can hire a lawyer and cry about it to your lawyer.  But we hope you have a butt-load of money (but we know you don’t since you spent it all tricking out that Pacer into a limo) because nobody in their right mind hires a lawyer for something soooo silly as this.  Or you could just accept that you got screwed AGAIN, without even getting kissed AGAIN and shut up and take what you get!  Or, in the extremely rare event that your aunt really does have testicles and your order really did arrive broken, you COULD just let us know (only about the order please….we don’t care about the aunt and really, really don’t want to know…save that crap for the Springer show…okay?) and we’ll replace your bong, pipe, bubbler, spoon or whatever it was so we don’t have to listen to your whining any more.  Listen, we like that you’re a dedicated customer but maybe you should not get so loaded before shopping online next time.  We really do want our customers to be happy with our products….but sometimes that’s a very tall order for us to fill.  Now will you PLEASE just get back to the order page!

Will my personal and credit card information be safe?

Hmmm…let’s see.  If  YOU have it HOW SAFE CAN IT BE?!  You having a credit card is absolute proof that banks are passing out credit cards like bubble gum pops out of a piñata at kiddy birthday parties.  What do you think?  That we collect all your information so that we can sell it to the Nigerian mafia to invest in T-Bills for you!?  Oh!  Did we forget to ask for your social security number and date of birth?  Don’t forget to give us that too.  And don’t forget to send a picture of that cute little tattoo you just had put on your WHAT?  Never mind that…just let us know when you’ll be on Springer so we can watch…okay?  The simple truth is this:  Even though we know it’s hard for you to believe, we don’t even see your credit card information.  It gets entered electronically into a highly encrypted system that the government can’t even hack into.  The only information that we get is what you ordered and when and where you want it sent to.  Now are you satisfied?  So beat it!  No wait! Don’t do that!  Next thing is you’ll be asking US how to clean up the mess (but check out our bong and pipe cleaning supplies anyway).  Now get back to the order page already will you!  Some people’s kids……I tell ya.


Epilogue:

FYI, we have some family members in this company.  On occasion, we have to cater to some of their whims because…well you just can’t fire slaves.  These FAQ’s are a good example. Uncle Cousin Lou Bob (we’re not exactly sure how he’s related we just know he’s too screwed up not to be)…anywho, he had so much fun writing this that we just couldn’t bring ourselves spoil it.  Besides, if we told him no, the doctor would probably have to increase his meds.  So if you didn’t find the “right” answers here then please don’t hesitate to contact us and we promise that a courteous customer service person will help you.  Oh and don’t worry.  We don’t let Uncle Cousin Lou Bob handle customer service…even with his meds the phone ringing is a little more than he can stand.  His services are actually much better put to use in the research department.

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